Dear Chioma, how the hell has it been 10 years??

I woke up this morning and I forgot it was December 10th. And when I came on Facebook and I realized, I kept pushing the thought away unconsciously because I didn’t want to face my guilt… But you can only push so much. Chioma, I miss you. And I’m sorry I forget to miss you everyday. I’m so mad at myself for my limited memory that gets fuzzier and fuzzier by the year. At first, when I didn’t cry this morning, I hated myself momentarily because I thought I had “healed”. And when my eyes finally unleashed the imminent floods tonight, I felt guilty that in some messed up way, I was happy I was crying because crying proved I hadn’t healed. But still, the thing is I don’t want to ever heal. I don’t want my eyes to ever not be wet. I don’t want to ever reach the point where I’m okay and you’re just a fond fuzzy memory. 

I’d never actually read the details of the crash itself before tonight, and reading them in the WSJ article from 2007 that everyone shared today just completely broke me down. I am so sorry you felt so much pain. I am so so sorry. My heart is breaking because I can’t even fathom how scared you were and how much pain – I can’t, I cannot. I’m so sorry, Chioma. I feel stupid for the irrelevant problems that get me worked up everyday, or the useless things that make me sad. I wish I could travel to every home and hug every family member that lost their kid, their wife, their husband, their niece, their nephew. I feel so useless that my tears can’t heal their wounds or numb their pain.

As I cried tonight, I could just imagine you laughing at me and making jokes about how ugly my face was haha. Do you remember the day I was crying because I was homesick and you scolded me? You deadass shouted at me “So why are you crying? What’s wrong with you!? Oya after crying, then what???” And I was so mad at the moment and we probably beefed after that, but thinking back now, thanks for keeping it real sis lmao. I think we finally made up when you fell sick and I felt so bad and I wanted to tell you sorry so bad but my head was too strong. Someway somehow, we sha ended up apologizing and I got my best friend back. Idk why I have this one still-frame memory of you during this period. You were wearing a cardigan sitting next to Obioma during Interscience. 

I remember the night of socials when we came back to gist and count all the boys we had danced with. I remember counting a number between 24 and 27 haha, and I remember we discussed you dancing with Chizy or Damilola – I don’t remember which one but my bet is on Chizy? I think you guys had some subtle thing beginning to manifest- I don’t remember and I hate myself for my fuzzy memory.

I remember the morning of the crash when we hustled and strrrrruggled to drag Teju’s heavy ass box (that only Yoruba people carry) in the airport, so that she didn’t miss her flight. And I remember later that day when my mom told me there was a crash. She said the flight was from Abuja to PH but I wasn’t even worried because I just KNEW it couldn’t be yours. I didn’t blink an eye because I was SO positive. To me, it was an “oh no, so sad” situation. I never thought for a microminimillisecond that that was your flight. And when my mom confirmed the fears I didn’t even have, I remember how I felt like my chest was tearing into two. I remember not being able to make a sound as my chest kept tearing and tearing and the two parts kept pulling farther and farther apart. I remember calling the number you’d given me over and over again and finally speaking to your mom. I remember her crying as my mom cried with her on the phone. I remember later calling her on Christmas & New Year’s, and her telling me she and my mom were sharing me now haha.

Chioma, idk if we would ever have drifted apart with time. But I don’t think so. I like to believe that we would have come as a unit to terrorize New York together. You were my best friend, and I know it’s not just by chance that we had the same name, we were put in the same hostel, and we could talk about nonsense for hours and make each other laugh till we were out of breath. I’m sorry again for forgetting to miss you everyday but you know it will always be me & you. “Chibabes” for LIFE. And with Obioma, “Omababes” forever 😂. Rest in peace, nwannem, and rest in peace, all our angels. May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen. 💜

Spend More Time with Him!

Love this so much. I feel like I NEEDED to read this today at this exact moment.

S a n c t i f i e d

Over the weekend, someone very kindly reached out to me and asked a few questions about their relationship with God. I am still very honored and I cannot believe it, but oh well, the Lord is doing great things :)

She asked very important questions that I believe we can all benefit from.

Here is an excerpt from her email:

At this point in my life, I won’t say I am still struggling because my relationship with God has become much better and I can see the impact it has had on my life, but I know it can still be much better.

I want to focus more on understanding God’s Word and building a VERY solid relationship with God and I am not really sure what to do and how to do it.

Sometimes when I pray, I don’t really feel anything. I pray out of routine and I don’t…

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-the weird cycle-

Breaking up is weird. It’s sad, it’s painful and it’s just… weird. You wake up one morning and you’re so happy like “what is a relationship even?? All I need is me myself and Jesus amirite!?” and later that same day, you go to bed like “plsss come back, I was doing myself. Me, myself, and Jesus would love to make some space for you”. It’s weird when you no longer hear the voice of the person you’ve talked to every single day for months or even years. And every tonop affair when you drink a little bit and feel a little ‘joyful’, it’s weird when you can’t share a little bit of that joy with the one person your fingers constantly ache to text.

People deal with breakups in different ways. I’ve comforted friends who ate, who cried softly, who WEPT, who ranted via BBM/Whatsapp voicenotes, who Ctrl+alt+delete+blockedt, who called up their old hoes to “say hi” lmao. I feel like break-ups are easier when you have some sort of anger or deep pain to feed off of. Actually I take that back- the break-ups aren’t easier per sé, but moving on might come quicker to you in such a situation. Because everytime you reach for your phone and scroll through your contacts, you remember… You remember the girl he cheated on you with. You remember the day you found out and how confused you were, because number 1) hating aside, she wasn’t even cute and her personality was even less cute. You remember how hurt you felt when you realized that 94.7% of his words were lies. You remember how stupid you felt for believing him and trusting him through it all, unlooking the subtle warning signs that you encountered. You remember all the unsaid “I told you so”s around the room when you told your friends whom you were hoping he would prove wrong. You remember, and you lock your phone and place it back into your back pocket.

Now imagine when there’s no anger, no deep pain, nothing to feed off of. Yeah he broke up with you but say he thought it was the best thing for you both at the moment for reasons known to you both but better understood by him, or he was having a really bad day and he momentarily snapped, or you understood that he was freaked out at how real things were getting between you both. Imagine when everyday you wake up and your fingers still itch to send that “Good morning babe” text although you previously used to detest the phrase “Good morning” for no good reason. Or in the afternoon when you just feel like calling to find out what he ate, and you wonder when and why you’ve become so invested in another person’s nutrition. At those moments, what holds you back? What holds you back from texting or calling? When he calls you, what holds you back from saying “I love you more”?

Sometimes, we think things through and tell- rather, assure- ourselves we know what’s best. We insist that second (or maybe third or fourth depending on our situations) chances are futile.

You wake up with the sun shining in your face, and walk to breakfast thinking “what is a relationship even? All I need is me, myself and J…”, while Demi belts out the lyrics of “Really don’t care” into your eardrums. And then, a song comes on your shuffle and you remember. You remember the day he was so giddy with excitement about this new jam Drake just released. You go to class and the sorority girl that just never shuts up tells your professor “I love that movie – I saw it with my boyfriend three times”, although he didn’t ask her. And you remember the cute way he pronounced the word “three” and how he would refuse to repeat it when you pretended like you didn’t hear what he said just to hear him say it again. It’s time for bed and you’re about to take a snapchat of your pile of homework with a “can’t do this anymore. Goodnight.” caption when you mistakenly hit the switch camera icon and your close-up face literally assaults your eyes. You look like scraps, your eyes are tired, your silk bonnet making you look mad deeper-life, and you remember the numerous times you looked the exact same way, and he still insisted you were so beautiful and got mad when you didn’t believe him.

And then you doubt. You don’t know if you’re making the right decision anymore. All the pep talks you gave yourself throughout the day literally just seep out of your memory. You try to distract yourself by watching your friends’ snapchat stories, and whose face is the first you see? You say out loud to God “wow thanks, ha-ha You must think You’re soooo funny”. You put your phone back to charge and five seconds later, you find yourself playing a certain snapchat over and over and over and over again. Your eyes get “wet” but you assure yourself that it’s because your phone light is so bright in your dark room.

You lay your head to sleep.
You wake up with the sun shining in your face.
You think “oh my gosh LOL what was even wrong with me last night? What is a relationship even?”

And the cycle restarts.

Tell all tutorial: How to be a Lagos boy

As Told by Chichi

Tired of seeing Lagos boys and not being able to deal, this tutorial will change your “can’t deal” to I refuse to can’t, I now can with renewed vigor. No more feeling like white rice without stew when you can evolve into jollof

Introducing a tell all tutorial on how to be a Lagos boy, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back, which is awkward because you didn’t pay any money. This tutorial will make you stop feeling like you have half head, when your mates are chilling with their heads complete.

DON’T WANT TO READ THE POST? Watch me read it instead

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Nigerian International Collabs

Laughs & Lamentations

Went to watch Emirates Cup yesterday with my bro and Szymon. £25 to see Arsenal, Villareal, Wolfsburg and Lyon. What a steal. We chose the right side of goal to be at 6 of the 9 goals were at our end. Great goals as well. Also saw Habiba there and she looked lovely as usual. Was great to see her, thank God for Snapchat stories haha, wouldn’t have realised she was there if I hadn’t seen it on her story. So on the note, I ended my last post, I begin my new one. I give you my personal ranking of Nigerian music artistes collaboration with International artistes. What is classified as international and as Nigerian but I shall go ahead.

1. D’Banj: Mr Endowed Remix feat Snoop Dogg

What don’t I love about this song. Nothing. The video was well directed, high quality and sooo fun, Snoop Dogg seemed to…

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Scandal of Grace

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8-9‬ NIV)
These verses are dedicated to anyone feeling unworthy of God’s love and/or salvation through Jesus. I’d love to share what I heard in church last Sunday! “Grace is unmerited favor- we didn’t earn it but God gave us anyway. You didn’t earn grace so you cannot lose it!”. We’ve all “sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” but that’s the amazing thing about God’s grace. Irrespective of our sins, “if we declare with our mouth “Jesus is Lord”, and believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved”. So stop thinking “omg I can’t reach out to God, I don’t think He will listen to me or answer me, I’m not worthy”! We are ALL unworthy but His grace is always more than sufficient. Remember that “if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. (‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭13‬ NIV)”. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Literally nothing! And that’s so crazy to me because we, human beings, fall in and out of love all the time! Even when we think we can never stop loving someone, something can happen that might prove us wrong! Or sometimes, even if we still love that someone, we might decide that it’s best to love them from a distance. But with God, that’s never the case! The only distance that can exist between Him and us is the distance WE create. Despite all the things we’ve done that we might not be proud of, He remains madly in love with us, and gives us the gift of grace, by which we are saved through faith! He’s honestly the realest MVP. He really is. I hope this comforting fact warms your hearts as much as it does mine and I hope you’ve all been blessed by this 7-day bible challenge as much as I have been! God bless youuuu 💜

It’s the little things you do…

S a n c t i f i e d

For today, I’m supposed to share my top five pet peeves.

Once again, I am not sure what those are, but in no random order, here are some little things that get on my nerves.

  1. English Mistakes. I’ve recently seen one too many. I don’t know if being an English major has contributed to this, but I greatly dislike it when people don’t use proper english, especially after they’ve finished forming for me and using big grammar. I mentioned this to my summer roommate yesterday, and she retorted “that’s your privilege speaking”. She was right. Perhaps this irks me because I was privileged enough to have Mrs Smith and Mr Kolawole and Mr Eke teach me correct english, or whatever. But I also went to a school whereyou were laughed at if you made a grammatical mistake. I remember leaving the dining hall one day and I blurted “Ibukun did…

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