Do you know the advantage of having a blog no one ever reads? You can write about ANYTHING you want and not get judged for it! It’s weird how my mind works. I feel this inner satisfaction from posting my thoughts on my online blog than on my personal laptop blog. Like I just like knowing I can post it on a public site. Yet, the public won’t see it cuz the public doesn’t read my blog loool that makes 0 sense but warrefurrr. I’m tired atm, about to take a short nap before mass at 7. I LOVE going for mass but I just can’t help sleeping during the sermon almost every single time. Could this be the work of the devil? 😦 Haha for real though. I need to take control of this bad habit because that’s how I’ll pass this trait to my children, and then in our future church, they would now label us ‘that family that likes to sleep in church’. Anyways, I’ve been struggling with something within me. I’ve been striving so hard to become a good person since the beginning of this year. Let me define this ‘good’. I want to be a person that when I hear people are gossiping about me, I just naturally say ‘Oh well, hopefully God will touch their hearts to make them refrain from evil’ and pray for them and forgive them in my heart and actually forget. Lol I know it seems impossible but I BELIEVE that there are actually people like this out there and I would LOVE to become one of them. There’s been some progress though. Before, if I heard someone was talking about me (someone that I didn’t consider my FRIEND, cuz no matter what happens, I can NEVER call any of my FRIENDS names behind their backs whether they did that to me or not, idk why), I would get SO mad, confront the person, insult the person die and all that. But now, I’m way calmer. And I keep telling myself to forgive and not reciprocate, but that’s the thing; I don’t want to have to tell myself to forgive. I want to be that person that NATURALLY forgives. I strive to be THAT person. But everytime I feel I’m there or I’m almost there, something always arises that drags me back to square one; either I hear that someone was saying shit behind my back or behind my friend’s back, and then it takes me like a week to let it go. I just dwell on it inside and imagine the various scenarios I could swaggiely confront the culprit in, but ALL THE TIME, I can’t, because I wasn’t meant to have heard about the things in the first place so I wouldn’t want to implicate my sources. However, the last time I heard something that was said about me, surprisingly, I wasn’t even mad. As in, NOT AT ALL. Like I was even laughing, and it wasn’t even that scornful laughter like ‘*deep voice* ho ho ho, I’m going to get this foolish goat back’. It was just like ‘LOOOOOL Oh yeah?’. Which is a good thing.. I guess. I think that I’ve just come to terms with the fact that some people are just destined to be destiny blockers and we should learn to resist them and block them from blocking our destinies. Another problem I have is that when I hear that oh my friend said this and that about me, as long as I usually think of that person as my FRIEND, I will keep considering the person my friend, and I always unconsciously start making excuses for the person in my head like ‘oh it’s not her fault… i don’t exactly blame her because… maybe this, maybe that…’ But I feel like I should try to stop this, because I feel it is a form of stupid naivete haha. Especially because I’m POSITIVE that if those people were in my shoes, they would not make these excuses for me. Oh well, my eyelids are droppingggg, and I don’t want to sleep in church haha so I should probably go and crash now.
Bye nobody/whoever randomly stumbled upon this!
Love youuu LOL