When The Fault In Our Stars leaves your life in shambles

So I know that I’m definitely the last person on the entire planet to see The Fault In Our Stars but I don’t care. I actually read the book before the movie came out in the theaters but my disloyal friends decided to go see it without me, so I just never got the opportunity to go see it with someone (didn’t want to go alone). Thankfully, my brother tossed me a free online link yesterday! So I started the movie at like 10am but I didn’t finish till past 3am today- obviously not because it’s a 17 hour movie lol but because I was out for most of the day.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m honestly so startled by how much of an impact this movie had on me. I’ve never been so moved by any movie in my entire life. During the first 10 minutes of the movie, I literally paused at least twice just to gush over how cute and perfect Hazel Grace and Gus were- they were exactly like they were supposed to be! (judging from the book). In the course of the movie, I must have paused at least a billion times just to control my emotions and pull myself together. I mean, everyone had said you couldn’t see the movie without crying, but I thought that since I’d read the book, I wouldn’t be that moved and I honestly didn’t expect the movie to do the book justice- but no, this movie surpassed the hell out of my expectations. The whole thing was perfect. I don’t think “perfect” suffices.

It’s been 30 minutes since I finished the movie, yet I’m here listening to All I Want – Kodaline (one of the soundtracks) in tears. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure why exactly I’m crying. My emotions are all over the place right now. I apologize in advance because I’m just going to throw in quotes in random places in this post.

Is it possible for there to be a love that deep? Thinking about it again, I don’t think it’s the ‘deepest’ love story I’ve ever read- it wasn’t like anyone had to give up his/her life for the other or anyone had to make some huge sacrifice- but it was just so precious. It was so genuine, so pure, so blissful.

John Green is- I don’t have the words. He’s truly amazing. The way he describes love is so beautiful and just so overwhelming. It’s like you read the words and all you can think is if I died tomorrow but I was able to truly experience this thing called love, I could lie on my death bed with no regrets and feel like I’ve lived a magnificent fulfilled life.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once” – so perfect ❤

One thing that really touched me was the way he looked at her (Augustus Waters/Ansel Elgort is just perfect. PERFECT) He looked at her like she was the most precious being in the world, like her presence was a blessing, like the whole world and everything within it revolved around her, like she was just every single thing! I don’t even know how Hazel was able to handle him looking at her that way. If someone looked at me that way, I would probably physically melt. Honestly, to be that special to someone, as great as it might feel, would be so unnerving to me!

“That’s why I like you. You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” –my actual heart <3-

When Gus told Hazel he was in love with her, I can’t even explain what I felt at that moment. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.” It was the most beautiful thing. And when he said it, he didn’t say it just to hear her say it back; he said it because that was just what it was. It was overwhelming and it was true. It was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as when he said, “Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.” I wonder how it would feel to be loved or to love so earnestly? It must feel almost as good as heaven. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you. Wow.

Or to love or be loved so relentlessly? – “You realize that trying to keep your distance from me will not lessen my affection for you. All efforts to save me from you will fail.” Imagine pushing someone away constantly, but the harder you push, the more driven he/she is to prove to you that he/she loves you? That’s some Jesus love right there. I know myself; if someone were to push me away, ignore my texts and calls and all that, it’s only a matter of time before I’d say “Please this is not by force. I can’t do this anymore”. But Gus refused to give up- he probably couldn’t even if he tried (hay, love is sweet sha).

Oh gosh, when Isaac said “When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him”, I thought my throat was going to break lol I’d been holding back so many tears! I just let everything flow bruh. Then Hazel now came and broke my heart into a billion pieces with her own eulogy.

The ending was what sealed the deal for me. Those last “Okay”s warmed my heart to the extent that I thought it would burn a hole in my chest.

                                                                  okay__okay__by_rin_luver-d6l2i5d

I was talking to one of my close friends two days ago and I told her, “I think I’m going to marry myself” and she said maybe she’d do the same thing too. Because it just seems like there are no actual Augustus Waterses in real life haha- but now after watching this movie, I can’t even help myself. I feel like believing that there are Augustus Waterses somewhere, even if they might not be for me, just makes the world so much more appealing.

I can only wonder how it feels to love someone who is dying. Maybe this is why I’m crying? Because there are obviously people in the world right now experiencing this. It’s heartbreaking and terrifying to not know if your lover/friend/relative’s next breath is going to be his/her last. I couldn’t cope in such a situation. I honestly don’t think I could function. Where are people able to draw such inner strength from to survive such?

Oh God, I pray You comfort all who have lost their loved ones to cancer. I also pray that we find a cure. I hate that I can’t put down my thoughts and prayers properly at the moment but God, You know what’s in my heart. Draw them closer to You and mend their broken hearts. May the souls of all the departed, through Your mercy, rest in perfect peace. Amen.