On a scale of 1-“Ah God, are we fighting”, how bad was your 2016? (4)

The truth about my 2016 is it wasn’t all heartbreaking. There were some moments that were so ridiculous that I was like “Nah this year is a joke for real. It can’t be serious.” 😂 One of these moments was the night of the Superbowl. So I have this super close friend (let’s call her V); I’ve known her since I was 2 so you can imagine. However, being over here, V and I have had a long distance friendship/sisterhood for the past couple of years. But when we do get to talk proper, we speak for days and spill all our tea.

For days before the Superbowl, we’d been sending voice notes back and forth over whatsapp catching up on life. We started off with my woes lmao and then delved into hers. Her tale was the tale of an Igbo demon. Disclaimer: This story is mad twisted. V had been dating her current boyfriend for a while (can’t remember how long but let’s call him BF), but before him, there was a boy in her life whom she’d thought was “the one” for her (let’s call him ‘ID’ for igbo demon). They were never officially in a relationship but what they shared was more than a “thing.” She loved him so much, and she knew he loved her too, but since he wasn’t “good at talking about his emotions”, he didn’t express himself often… but she just knew. His family called her “our wife” and everything. So although they weren’t in an official relationship and he didn’t directly state any intentions, she was content with what they had and just knew that he was her end-game.

raw-1                 Red flag, red flag

Anyway, ID had a female best friend in Ghana (let’s call her Uche) who was also close to V. V had asked Uche many times if she liked ID, just to make sure she wasn’t stepping on any toes, but Uche kept saying she did not. Yet, V noticed that every time she posted ID on snapchat, the Uche babe would start moving funny and acting one kind. But she and Uche were so close that V decided that she was the one trippin’ because “Uche wasn’t that type of person.” Life carried on and so did their friendship.

One day, Uche called V and asked her “How do you feel about ID?” and V started gushing. Oh I love him sooo much. Even when I see him Monday to Thursday, if I don’t see him on Friday, I feel incomplete… *insert a billion emotional clauses, you know how people in love be like* Sha, when she was done, Uche said “Oh, okay. Well, he’s my boyfriend.”

raw                 ((SHOOOOOOOK))

(PAUSE: When V told me this, I was so mad because this Uche babe is clearly a snake. That was so unnecessary. If you’re coming to tell me somebody is your boyfriend, tell me straight up, let’s be moving. Not the one that you’ll make me expose my whole nyash complete as a prequel to the info you’re about to provide). Anyway, V apologized to her (??? imagine) saying she had no idea and now she knew, she’d back off completely. V was so upset, she couldn’t believe that these two people she trusted so much had just played her. So as she went through the next couple of days crying and sulking, she was tweeting all them “heartbroken” tweets. Guys, can you imagine that this ID boy messaged V saying “Can you delete your tweets? You’re upsetting my girlfriend.” (???)

So V replied the goat–ahem, boy–telling him he wasn’t f@#king serious and kept doing her. Uche now contacted V telling her, “You’re so shameless. Instead of you to face your own relationship” On top of that, Uche started telling V so many personal things V had told ID in confidence (trust me, these things were superrr personal) just to rub them in her face. So V called ID POPPING OFF, and do you know what this boy said? This boy said and I quote “Yeah well, I tell my best friend everything. Hashtag bestfriend code”

raw (3).gif    This was literally me at this point

This boy was a freaking joke. Hashtag bestfriend code? What is this? Primary 2? Sha, obviously there was no going back from that. V moved on and blocked the both of them. But it wasn’t easy getting over him. She cried for weeks. She even started crying in the voicenote she sent to me. She felt so deceived and embarrassed. I felt so bad for her man.

Anywayyy, where do I come into this story? Let me tell you. The night of the Superbowl, V kept calling me but Beyonce was performing at the time and if you know me, you know Beyonce is literally my MOM; it would have been disrespectful to not wait until after her (AMAZING) performance 😂. So I called back after the performance, and the conversation went like this:

Me: *acting like I hadn’t seen all the missed calls* HEYYYY GIRRRL WHAT’S UPPPP

V: *solemn voice* Hi Chioma

Me: *confused because she called me “Chioma” and not “goat” or “bitch”* Ahh V, are you okay?

V: Not really

Me: What happened?

V: Chioma, remember what I told you about ID and Uche?

Me: Yeah, omg what happened?

V: *long silence* I made it all up.

Me: ?? I don’t get

V: Yeah, I made it all up.

Me: That doesn’t make sense. Like why?? ??

V: Because you’d told me about the bad thing that happened to you, so I just wanted to say something heavy too so we could bond

raw-4   …At this point, I realized I’d been friends with a psychopath for 18 years…

Me: But that STILL does NOT make any sense! What I told you was more than heavy enough to “bond” over. Why did you feel like you HAD TO add something on top?

V: I know, Chioma, I’m so sorry. I’m such a horrible person.

Guys, I couldn’t believe it. I was just remembering how she cried in the voicenote she sent. Like this couldn’t be real life. So I was there lost in thought and confusion, trying to just make some sense out of the matter and then, a high-pitched male voice started talking to me on the phone.

BF: Chioma

Me: *trying to shake off my shookness and be cheerful* Hey BF! What’s up? How’ve you been?

BF: *even higher-pitched voice* L-l-l-let’s just cut to the chase here! Did you hear what your friend said?

Me: *thinking “Nigga damn, can you bring down this voice a few octaves?”* Yeah I heard, but I’m so confused

BF: Exactly! It doesn’t make any sense. I told her that if YOU her best friend didn’t believe her, then there was no hope that this could possibly be true!

And friends. That was when it hit me. Ya girl was in a boiling pot of stew.

giphy

So what happened was BF had gone through V’s phone and read our messages/listened to all our voicenotes. Therefore, he’d found out that she had cheated on him with ID, and she had been considering leaving him if she got her money up. He confronted her, telling her to get out of his house but she’d told him the excuse she told me (that she made up the whole story so we’d bond/I’d feel better). He obviously didn’t believe her but he made her call me and put me on speaker so he could hear my reaction.

I had messed up, messed up bad. But I still tried my futile best to help. I put on my bad bitch voice and started shouting at BF:

Me: “Hey hey BF, yo you need to calm down. I don’t know why you’re shouting at me. If she says she made it up, then she made it up!”

BF: *ten octaves higher* WHAT!? So you believe her?

Me: Of course I believe her! Idk how your relationship is set up but I know she’d never lie to me–so I believe her, and you should trust that she wouldn’t lie to you

(I know this was very unethical of me but guys, GIRL CODE! Actually HASHTAG BEST FRIEND CODE** 😂 I had already messed up, I had to at least try). Anyway, V took back the phone telling me she was sorry for dragging me into this mess, and she’d talk to me later. Omo I felt so bad for her. Her own had finished–there was no possible escape from this. It was game over. The referee had blown the final whistle.

The aftermath of this was heavy, truss mi. But sparing y’all the details and keeping a long ass story short, V and BF are still together till date–I even spent a day with the both of them when I went back to Nigeria for the summer. By this point, I knew my 2016 was being produced by Tyler Perry. Ya girl was dead in advance for the rest of the messiness it was preparing to unleash…

On a scale of 1-“Ah God, are we fighting”, how bad was your 2016? (3)

This post is definitely going to be the most difficult to write in this series, not only because the events I’m writing about are very sensitive, but also because I only like putting my stupid antics out there. I dump the serious stuff in my diary, on my friends’ heads, and on the Big Man Upstairs. So I apologize in advance because I’m sure you’ll be able to tell that I’m biting my mouth and being intentionally obscure in this post. But let’s dive–rather, waddle in with caution…

The weekend before work started, I was visited by a dear friend. My relationship with this friend has been very up and down over the past two years, and right now, I’m not even sure where we stand to be honest. We barely talk these days. I’ve been trying of late but he isn’t reciprocating my efforts–which is fair because I had been the one on the non-reciprocating end of things for the past few months. I’ve resolved not to raise this issue with him because we might just end up going through yet another cycle… so I’m glad he’s never going to read this, as he doesn’t even know this blog exists. I don’t blame him for the way he’s acting right now though–I understand him. I feel like I’ve come to terms with the fact that at this point in life, we’re two very different people on two different frequencies. And “love” doesn’t automatically make everything right–it doesn’t automatically eliminate significant differences or automatically make timing right.

It was really nice to see him though, as always. It was quite a spontaneous visit that involved rerouting his flight back to school, and that gesture alone made me rethink so many things. During his visit, I let out all my pent-up frustrations at him (you know my ass, I will always eventually explode 😂 ) and after we spoke about everything, we transformed into the people we were the year before. Happy, comfortable, silly, and just content being in each other’s presence. Unfortunately, this was short-lived. The month of January continued, and our transformation reversed.

At the end of the month, something happened. Wow, just read that sentence and it’s literally the laziest thing ever written by mankind, but I’ve tried and tried in vain to come up with something better. It’s just that this “something” (which btw was totally unrelated to my “dear friend”) was an all-or-nothing type thing; it’s hard to tell the tale half and half. But it left such a horrible impact on me emotionally, mentally, and physically to an extent. I had never felt so vulnerable, broken and violated. I was confused and torn; I had so many questions but I didn’t have the answers. Usually, when I’m in a tight spot, being a worrier/relative pessimist, I tend to obsess over everything that’s going wrong (as evidenced in Part 2 of this series)–but even in such moments, I know in my heart that those tight spots would eventually become distant memories. But for the first time in my life, I could not see the dark cloud over my head passing away.

I could not overcome the negative emotions I was feeling–the truth is I didn’t even have the strength to fight them. One night, I wrote in my diary:

“God, I can’t even say I can’t do this alone. The fact is I can’t do this at all. Please do this FOR me”

I was a walking bucket of tears. Not just any bucket, but a bucket that was filled to the brim–easily triggered to spill. And it showed, no matter how hard I tried not to let it show. One day at work, my Associate Coach called me into an empty Partner’s office. She’s not usually one to show emotion but I could see the concern in her furrowed brow as she asked, “Chioma, is everything okay? You’ve been seeming kind of off lately.” I replied saying that I was good, that it was just some emotional stuff, but I tried to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal. I knew she wasn’t sold but she didn’t want to pry so she let it go. That day, I cried in the bathroom at work.

I was a mess, but not a complete one. At times, I felt happy and thought I was okay, but before I knew it, I’d be back to square one. One particular night, I cried myself to sleep, but that was fine. What alarmed me was the nature of this crying. As I cried, I felt like my chest was tearing apart, like I was suffocating. Looking back, that week was without a doubt one of the worst weeks of my life. It was like I was trying to get my shit together but failing miserably. By the next few weeks, I was much better! 60% of the time, I could talk about what happened without feeling a lump in my throat. I was still going through ranging emotions–from anger to shame to indifference to disappointment to betrayal to amazement. Sometimes, I’d just burst out laughing–like you know when something is so maddd that you don’t even know how to react lol it was a crazy couple of weeks/months.

I didn’t drink any alcohol or go out for a while. I was just trying to enjoy life gently-gently, going through the motions–working, eating out from time to time with my sis S, gisting with friends, watching my numerous TV shows, touching up my remaining grad school apps, practicing my dance movezz in my room mirror, snapchatting like I always doezzz. And life was good. I was GENUINELY happy. The cloud was gone, and I was beginning to see things in a completely different light. God was working. He was taking His time, but I didn’t mind–He was carefully putting me back together piece by piece. But obviously, at this point, I’d already started giving 2016 major side-eye. So much had already happened in just the first quarter. I became anxious about what other things the year could possibly hold for me.

 

P.S. Damn, these last two posts were quite soul-dampening. Don’t worry, will be bringing the messiness and drama in the next. Talk later.

On a scale of 1-“Ah God, are we fighting”, how bad was your 2016? (1)

I actually had no idea 2016 was a ridiculously crazy year for almost everyone else as well until like a couple of days ago on twitter. Son, this year was truly a rollercoaster for me–not just any obele rollercoaster but a Kingda Ka type rollercoaster. However, thinking about my year now as I type, I’m beginning to invalidate my setbacks as I often tend to do. I didn’t lose anyone dear to me this year, and that in itself is an amazing blessing, you know. For this, I remain grateful to the Most High… but still, let’s dive in!

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 🎉🎉🎉”

I started my year off at Falucka Lounge, some hookah bar in West/Greenwich Village(?) with my babes, I, T, and O. Not-so-fun fact about me: I don’t smoke hookah, and I really hate the smell (I actually prefer the smell of cigarettes). “So why were you there then?”, you may ask. Well, the first time I went there, the music was SO poppin and there were TALL, dark and handsome guys. Plus that day, my sis S got a table, so ya girl was the rihhh amount of lit uno but LOL I digress. Anyway, after our first two NYE moves of the night didn’t turn out as planned, I decided to just brave the Falucka smoke and go and enjoy myself.

Once I stepped in, I made eye contact with this BEAUTIFUL human being. He was dark-skinned, cute, chiseled bod (even on top his dark camo jacket, his spring-break-bod physique was just shining thru), looked about 6’5″. So guess what I did? … I removed my eye and forgot about him–Okay I lied, we made eye contact like twice again, but after that, I forgot about him. Let me tell you why. In life in general, I keep my expectations mad low to avoid disappointment (if this sounds very unhealthy/unfortunate to you, I promise you it’s because I’m not explaining this statement in detail–might write another post about this later!) so when I saw him, I was like “Omo this one pass me”. Plus I’d already prejudged him: “See his muscle and earring. This one is probably an Alpha, very cocky–he doesn’t do the toasting; girls toast him instead”, so ya girl wasn’t trying to start the year off with a hot L.

So my girls and I walked into the lounge proper, and skillfully placed our coats on some couch even though we didn’t buy the table (literally have a PhD in this 😂) in preparation to hit da dance floor. As we were dancing away, one of those sweeet Jamaican songs came on so I shouted my regular “Ayeeee” and started feeling the music. The next thing, I felt a human being’s hand on my waist. I looked back, RBF on, ready to “appraise” the individual 💀… and fam, I was shook. It was the beautiful young man. I was literally so surprised but hyped at myself at the same time like Chioma is that you yea??? The discomfort of this dress done paid off unoo LOL jk but yeah it was a very crush-y moment.

So we danced to a couple of songs (he had rhythm! Wasn’t doing the most or being an Azonto/Milly Rock warrior but he was rhythmic) and then I went back to my friends. I actually loved dancing with him because standing 5’10” tall as a proud member of the Tall Girl Gang, I’m not usually “privileged” to encounter guys that proper tower over me, younaamean? Anyway, my friends being my friends all “congratulated” me in shared astonishment 😂  At this point, I was like oh truuu? I’m already enjoying this 2016. But the night got even better…

So I’m talking to my friends, and beautiful-young-man (BYM) touches my arm.

BYM: Hey, excuse me?

Me: Oh hey! What’s up?

BYM: Are you Nigerian by any chance?

Me: Yeahh! How could you tell?

BYM: Oh I heard your accent when you were talking to your friends. I’m Nigerian too!

(GUYS, HE WAS NIGERIAN!!!)

Me: Stopp! You’re kidding–what’s your name?

BYM: Well, my name is B****, but my Nigerian name is Shuhmerr (Chimere)

(MANDEM WAS IGBO TOO!?)

Me: Ohh cool! I’m Chioma.

BYM: So you’re igbo! Nice to meet you **HUGS ME**

(Ya girl was melting inside, ngl 😂)

So he asked if my friends were all Nigerian, and said hello to them, chatted with us for a little bit and then retreated to his spot in front of the bar. (Side note: there was this one babe that worked at the lounge that kept flirting with him RUH LENT LESS LEE–couldn’t even be mad at my girl tbh, this boy was HOT haha)

Anyway, after a while, he moved towards the door area of the lounge, but he didn’t leave yet. He was just standing over there, nodding his head to the music not dancing with anyone. But we were STILL making eye contact. So I was like uno wot? Chioma, shoot this shot before this boy leaves. New Year, New Me. Last last, catch a liddu L but I’ll never see him again once I leave this place. So I walked up to him, and we started talking and dancing. Summary: Born and raised in the U.S. to Nigerian immigrant parents. 24 years old. Did his undergrad in Pharmacy at Howard, lived in Jersey with his family, but was currently living in North Carolina because he was getting his Master’s in Pharmaceutical Sciences at UNC. (MY GUY WAS SMART TOO) Wasn’t an Alpha because he wasn’t about that frat life (NICE FOCUSED BOY), and loved to come to Manhattan to party (WOW! SO MUCH IN COMMON 😂).

Anyway, the conversation was great–not awks at all. The music was really really loud so it was a struggle but I wasn’t even mad because since it was so noisy, he kept placing his hand on the small of my back and leaning over me “so he could hear me better” (LOL I actually hate myself as I write this). He asked me for my number, and texted me so I could have his, and when I was leaving, he hugged me like we’d known each other for forever😂 and was like “Really nice meeting you. Get home safe!”

I’m going to save you a longer story than this one already is and just let y’all know that this turned out to be an L. I’ll spare you the details (10% because of the length of this post, 90% because I don’t want to completely expose the ela I received 😂) but from the moment mandem saved my number in his phone as “Chioma New York”, ya girl shoulda known! But yeah that was my first L of the year–the most painless one actually. Wish I could say the rest were similar…

(hope I have the resolve to continue this series! 😩)

-the weird cycle-

Breaking up is weird. It’s sad, it’s painful and it’s just… weird. You wake up one morning and you’re so happy like “what is a relationship even?? All I need is me myself and Jesus amirite!?” and later that same day, you go to bed like “plsss come back, I was doing myself. Me, myself, and Jesus would love to make some space for you”. It’s weird when you no longer hear the voice of the person you’ve talked to every single day for months or even years. And every tonop affair when you drink a little bit and feel a little ‘joyful’, it’s weird when you can’t share a little bit of that joy with the one person your fingers constantly ache to text.

People deal with breakups in different ways. I’ve comforted friends who ate, who cried softly, who WEPT, who ranted via BBM/Whatsapp voicenotes, who Ctrl+alt+delete+blockedt, who called up their old hoes to “say hi” lmao. I feel like break-ups are easier when you have some sort of anger or deep pain to feed off of. Actually I take that back- the break-ups aren’t easier per sé, but moving on might come quicker to you in such a situation. Because everytime you reach for your phone and scroll through your contacts, you remember… You remember the girl he cheated on you with. You remember the day you found out and how confused you were, because number 1) hating aside, she wasn’t even cute and her personality was even less cute. You remember how hurt you felt when you realized that 94.7% of his words were lies. You remember how stupid you felt for believing him and trusting him through it all, unlooking the subtle warning signs that you encountered. You remember all the unsaid “I told you so”s around the room when you told your friends whom you were hoping he would prove wrong. You remember, and you lock your phone and place it back in your back pocket.

Now imagine when there’s no anger, no deep pain, nothing to feed off of. Yeah he broke up with you but say he thought it was the best thing for you both at the moment for reasons known to you both but better understood by him, or he was having a really bad day and he momentarily snapped, or you understood that he was freaked out at how real things were getting between you both. Imagine when everyday you wake up and your fingers still itch to send that “Good morning babe” text although you previously used to detest the phrase “Good morning” for no good reason. Or in the afternoon when you just feel like calling to find out what he ate, and you wonder how and why you’ve become so invested in another person’s nutrition. At those moments, what holds you back? What holds you back from texting or calling? When he calls you, what holds you back from saying “I love you more”?

Sometimes, we think things through and tell- rather, assure- ourselves we know what’s best. We insist that second (or maybe third or fourth depending on our situations) chances are futile.

You wake up with the sun shining in your face, and walk to breakfast thinking “what is a relationship even? All I need is me, myself and J…”, while Demi belts out the lyrics of “Really don’t care” into your eardrums. And then, a song comes on your shuffle and you remember. You remember the day he was so giddy with excitement about this new jam Drake just released. You go to class and the sorority girl that just never shuts up tells your professor “I love that movie – I saw it with my boyfriend three times”, although he didn’t ask her. And you remember the cute way he pronounced the word “three” and how he would refuse to repeat it when you pretended like you didn’t hear what he said just to hear him say it again. It’s time for bed and you’re about to take a snapchat of your pile of homework with a “can’t do this anymore. Goodnight.” caption when you mistakenly hit the switch camera icon and your close-up face literally assaults your eyes. You look like scraps, your eyes are tired, your silk bonnet making you look mad deeper-life, and you remember the numerous times you looked the exact same way, and he still insisted you were so beautiful and got mad when you didn’t believe him.

And then you doubt. You don’t know if you’re making the right decision anymore. All the pep talks you gave yourself throughout the day literally just seep out of your memory. You try to distract yourself by watching your friends’ snapchat stories, and whose face is the first you see? You say out loud to God “wow thanks, ha-ha You must think You’re soooo funny”. You put your phone back to charge and five seconds later, you find yourself playing a certain snapchat over and over and over and over again. Your eyes get “wet” but you assure yourself that it’s because your phone light is so bright in your dark room.

You lay your head to sleep.
You wake up with the sun shining in your face.
You think “oh my gosh LOL what was even wrong with me last night? What is a relationship even?”

And the cycle restarts.

When The Fault In Our Stars leaves your life in shambles

So I know that I’m definitely the last person on the entire planet to see The Fault In Our Stars but I don’t care. I actually read the book before the movie came out in the theaters but my disloyal friends decided to go see it without me, so I just never got the opportunity to go see it with someone (didn’t want to go alone). Thankfully, my brother tossed me a free online link yesterday! So I started the movie at like 10am but I didn’t finish till past 3am today- obviously not because it’s a 17 hour movie lol but because I was out for most of the day.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m honestly so startled by how much of an impact this movie had on me. I’ve never been so moved by any movie in my entire life. During the first 10 minutes of the movie, I literally paused at least twice just to gush over how cute and perfect Hazel Grace and Gus were- they were exactly like they were supposed to be! (judging from the book). In the course of the movie, I must have paused at least a billion times just to control my emotions and pull myself together. I mean, everyone had said you couldn’t see the movie without crying, but I thought that since I’d read the book, I wouldn’t be that moved and I honestly didn’t expect the movie to do the book justice- but no, this movie surpassed the hell out of my expectations. The whole thing was perfect. I don’t think “perfect” suffices.

It’s been 30 minutes since I finished the movie, yet I’m here listening to All I Want – Kodaline (one of the soundtracks) in tears. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure why exactly I’m crying. My emotions are all over the place right now. I apologize in advance because I’m just going to throw in quotes in random places in this post.

Is it possible for there to be a love that deep? Thinking about it again, I don’t think it’s the ‘deepest’ love story I’ve ever read- it wasn’t like anyone had to give up his/her life for the other or anyone had to make some huge sacrifice- but it was just so precious. It was so genuine, so pure, so blissful.

John Green is- I don’t have the words. He’s truly amazing. The way he describes love is so beautiful and just so overwhelming. It’s like you read the words and all you can think is if I died tomorrow but I was able to truly experience this thing called love, I could lie on my death bed with no regrets and feel like I’ve lived a magnificent fulfilled life.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once” – so perfect ❤

One thing that really touched me was the way he looked at her (Augustus Waters/Ansel Elgort is just perfect. PERFECT) He looked at her like she was the most precious being in the world, like her presence was a blessing, like the whole world and everything within it revolved around her, like she was just every single thing! I don’t even know how Hazel was able to handle him looking at her that way. If someone looked at me that way, I would probably physically melt. Honestly, to be that special to someone, as great as it might feel, would be so unnerving to me!

“That’s why I like you. You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” –my actual heart <3-

When Gus told Hazel he was in love with her, I can’t even explain what I felt at that moment. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.” It was the most beautiful thing. And when he said it, he didn’t say it just to hear her say it back; he said it because that was just what it was. It was overwhelming and it was true. It was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as when he said, “Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.” I wonder how it would feel to be loved or to love so earnestly? It must feel almost as good as heaven. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you. Wow.

Or to love or be loved so relentlessly? – “You realize that trying to keep your distance from me will not lessen my affection for you. All efforts to save me from you will fail.” Imagine pushing someone away constantly, but the harder you push, the more driven he/she is to prove to you that he/she loves you? That’s some Jesus love right there. I know myself; if someone were to push me away, ignore my texts and calls and all that, it’s only a matter of time before I’d say “Please this is not by force. I can’t do this anymore”. But Gus refused to give up- he probably couldn’t even if he tried (hay, love is sweet sha).

Oh gosh, when Isaac said “When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him”, I thought my throat was going to break lol I’d been holding back so many tears! I just let everything flow bruh. Then Hazel now came and broke my heart into a billion pieces with her own eulogy.

The ending was what sealed the deal for me. Those last “Okay”s warmed my heart to the extent that I thought it would burn a hole in my chest.

                                                                  okay__okay__by_rin_luver-d6l2i5d

I was talking to one of my close friends two days ago and I told her, “I think I’m going to marry myself” and she said maybe she’d do the same thing too. Because it just seems like there are no actual Augustus Waterses in real life haha- but now after watching this movie, I can’t even help myself. I feel like believing that there are Augustus Waterses somewhere, even if they might not be for me, just makes the world so much more appealing.

I can only wonder how it feels to love someone who is dying. Maybe this is why I’m crying? Because there are obviously people in the world right now experiencing this. It’s heartbreaking and terrifying to not know if your lover/friend/relative’s next breath is going to be his/her last. I couldn’t cope in such a situation. I honestly don’t think I could function. Where are people able to draw such inner strength from to survive such?

Oh God, I pray You comfort all who have lost their loved ones to cancer. I also pray that we find a cure. I hate that I can’t put down my thoughts and prayers properly at the moment but God, You know what’s in my heart. Draw them closer to You and mend their broken hearts. May the souls of all the departed, through Your mercy, rest in perfect peace. Amen.